Full circle

Final touches

I feel like I have come round to the beginning again on my Hardcopy journey. The final session was in Canberra a few weeks ago, and I wasn’t there. I hadn’t made the cut and yes it still hurts, but there are some hidden jewels. I booked another course for that same weekend, Traditional French Pastry, because I wanted to be absorbed in something of my own – not longing to be somewhere else, doing something else.

And I got to eat the results!

And it worked in so many wonderful ways. I mixed ingredients, I kneaded dough and I rolled pastry. I made croissants, brioches and puff pastry treats. I relaxed into a world that I don’t visit very often anymore. The smell of yeasty dough brought back clear memories of making bread with my mum as a kid. I know how to knead and roll – long forgotten skills. I now have the strength and I thoroughly enjoyed the physicality of it all.

Three types of brioche

What started out as a diversion has brought so much more. It has reawakened my sense of smell, taste and touch – all the senses which are not involved in telling or hearing stories. Is it an antidote or a complement to my writing then? I’m actually not going to worry about categorising it, it is what it is. It is still creative living and is satisfying a whole different part of my creative soul.

Pausing for a moment

As for my writing, at some point the penny dropped and I realised that with or without my inclusion in the final Hardcopy session I would still be in the same position I am now – in possession of a partly written manuscript. Yes I would have received more feedback on my writing style and my proposal – some of which may well have been conflicting given the feedback from the others who were there. But I still wouldn’t have a whole manuscript. I would still be sitting here wondering how to construct the next scene, revising my pitch and trying to find time to write.

Obstacle, challenge, opportunity...

Instead I have been dealing with this bump in the road, this blow to my confidence, this crisis of commitment, this loss of motivation. I have learnt more from being rejected than I could have done by being successful. Of course I want the book to be a success, but it can’t be a success until it is written. I need to write my book and then worry about everything else.

No one is going to publish an unknown author on the basis of a pitch. I need a full manuscript before the book and I will be taken seriously. I am not a social media phenomenon nor am I famous – so no immediate audience there. I am neither a journalist nor an academic – so no relevant track record to rely on. So I need to sell my project – not the idea of it and not my capacity to do it. I need to have the project ready to go. And that’s where I imagine I would be if I had attended the final session – essentially in the same place that I am now.